Scary Realization- LONG - Adoption.com Forums

My 2.5 year old FS is on a weekend visitation with his mom this weekend until Monday. This weekend, me and AMan have the place to ourselves.

I feel guilty, as I feel relieved. I am sooooo enjoying spending one on one time with Aman. 2 year old is......well a normal 2, almost 3 year old including temper tantrums and struggling to find independence while not being ready quite yet.

It makes activities and fun times a bit limited and I always feel like I am constantly doing time outs. He sucks my 5 year old into getting into trouble with him a lot.

Nothing abnormal, just typical age and "sibling" type relationship.

But this weekend, I have my sweet boy to myself.

Tonight, after having Mommy **** and Aman time, we snuggled and he practiced reading a starter book to me (Splat the Cat Series), then bedtime.

Then I had a scary realization.

I FEEL like his mommy now. Not a babysitter, not a caregiver. Not an adult who happens to love him.

I am IN LOVE with this little guy.

And it terrifies me. Because Biomom is going to get a 6 month extension on her case....going into February. Mom has done everything she is supposed to, makes visits and phone calls. She is just completely mentally ill, and moderate MRDD with little hope of rehabilitation.

However, courts will give her a chance to try. How will they know she is "better" enough to try to parent him. There is little research on MBP, and the research that is out there says there is no effective treatment.

I will be absolutely, to the core, soul-wrenching, devastated if he goes home. Up until now, I have avoided thinking too much about it. I have been busy with work, school and another foster son.

Now that it is going to go back to just me and Aman soon, I can feel my stomach tightening with just the thought of him going home.

I know that I need to take it one day at a time. I logically know that. But how do you tell your heart that???

So scared!!!

Thanks for letting me ramble and pour out my fears etc. No one else I can really share this with. Don't think my family or friends or co-workers would really get it.

Source: http://forums.adoption.com/foster-parent-support/405098-scary-realization-long.html

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